Monday, October 12, 2015

Thoughts & Worries With Senior Year

Hello All,

I'm a senior in college!

I have had a lot feelings going through the past 5 weeks. A lot of them aren't a positive as I would have thought. Don't get me wrong. There is a small piece of me who is excited to graduate. I mean I get to experience new things and I'll get a break from school for at least a year before going on to graduate school. Plus when I no longer have to live by a school schedule I might have more time to travel which will be really awesome.

But the majority of me is scared to graduate. The biggest thing that scares me is that I still have no clue what I want to do post college. I don't know what kind of career I could want. I go through different ideas about as fast as I go through underwear. TMI? But nothing really seems to suit me. I'm not sure that any of these careers are something that I could see myself wake up and do every day for the rest of my life. Or at least until I retire. Wow, retirement is an even scarier thought.

Another reason that I am scared beyond belief to graduate is because I know how to do college. After three plus years I know how to make a schedule, I know where to print my papers, I know how to format my papers. I know how to organized a dorm room (to the best of my abilities) and I know how to make friends in a classroom. What I don't know how to do is adult. I don't know how to find a big girl job or what its like to work all day Monday to Friday. I don't know how you make friends that aren't just thrown into life whether its from class or randomly living near each other. I know in time this will come naturally and I'll laugh at myself for even being worried about but for now I'm worried.

Speaking of making friends who aren't just place in your life by people who have power over those types of things, my friends are at school. The only person from my hometown that I really talk to is Tori. The rest of them are at school. And of the ones who are graduating at the same time I am live near school or even further away by like an hour from me. I'm worried that I won't see them as often. And after a lot of thinking I've realized that if I could work anywhere post graduation it would be in the same area where I am currently going to school. But at the same time I know that I am in no place post college, finically that is, to live in an apartment. So, all that is stressing me out.

The biggest reason is that I'm not ready for this chapter of my life to end. I have enjoyed college but I haven't enjoyed it as much as I should have. I feel like there are things that I missed out on. Some of them are stupid naive girly things. Like I thought I'd come to college and meet a guy and fall in love but now 4 years later I realize that is unrealistic. The majority of my friend and people I know haven't had a steady boyfriend through college. And if I'm being honest I'm grateful that I didn't have a steady boyfriend throughout college because I learned to so much and grew so much as person. But other's

And then there is growth. Logically I know that I won't stop growing as a person just because I'm handed a diploma but I have feel like I have so much more growing left to do that would make sense to do at college campus.

Although there is a lot anxiety in my mind as I chug through my mid-terms and prepare for what should be my final semester as a undergrad, actually my final semester in school for at least a year (I'm definitely taking a break between undergrad and grad school). But there also is a lot of pride. My college has a rate of only about 19% of students graduate in the course of 4 years. I am going to be one of the 19% as long as all of my classes are offered next semester. Not only that but looking back at my Sophomore Year, which arguably was the hardest year of my life and there were times that I thought I would never graduate because I thought that I wouldn't be able to make through school. There were times where I debated dropping out. I wondered if college really was for me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if I don't think of ready to graduate, even if the idea of doing so gives me anxiety and as much as it doesn't seem possible that its already that time in my life, I am damn proud of how far I came. As a student, as a person, as a member of society.

So, here's to the last semester and half of my undergrad career, hopefully it will be the best ones yet.

If you guys are interested I just posted a new video to my YouTube Channel. You can check it out here.

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